Day Four

Today I am writing about a topic that many of us have experienced, and the way it is often regarded in the male (and a large portion of the female) mind. You can say #NotAllMen, and I will agree with you, but so what? It doesn’t have to be all men to be a huge problem for women, especially since it is a large percentage of men. So here we are going to look at the issue of sexual assault. Oh, not that again! Sorry, it’s too common for me not to talk about it more than once…or twice…or twenty times…

BUT IS IT SEXUAL ASSAULT?

 I was reading recently about an incident in Spain, where the president of the Royal Spanish Football Federation was accused and found guilty of sexual assault. His crime? Kissing a female player on the lips without her permission. I don’t really have much to say about this case; it’s nearly two years old, and I wasn’t following it at the time. I would like to talk instead about the article I was reading, because it is a good example of a problem that is epidemic. The problem, of course, is the age old misogyny, but there is more to it than that. It is people who think they are progressive and enlightened, but their sympathy is all for the poor maligned male who received punitive actions for behavior they consider ordinary.

I know little about the politics of the writer of the column; again, that isn’t important because I have seen…and heard…this argument many times. What is important is the fact that men, and too many women, can see such an action as not problematic, and not sexual assault. It was just a kiss, right? Sure. Just like rape is just sex. Right.

For many people, men and women, it seems harmless. Someone kisses someone; even if that someone doesn’t want to be kissed, it isn’t like they were harmed or anything. They still have all of their limbs. They aren’t bleeding (unless the kiss was particularly violent!). They aren’t going to be sent to the hospital, or have to take medicines. They aren’t even at risk of getting pregnant. Contrary to what many mothers told us when we were teen girls, you can’t get pregnant from a kiss.

For many women, this argument is pure horse manure. Let’s unpack why, and see if we can get our male friends to grasp just what might be involved in a kiss, or a pat on the fanny, or a hand on the leg…there are so many ‘it was just [X]’ things out there, I’ve lost count. And for many women, we have experienced all of them. Flirting? Kissing? Groping? Backing into a corner? Pinching? Why do we complain about such minor things? Why are women waging war on having fun?????

Having fun. If that is your idea of fun, you need to ask yourself one question: Fun for whom? For him, not for her. For her, it is an invasion of boundaries, an act of force committed by someone larger and stronger than you…and/or in a position of power over you. It is assault, pure and simple, without question. For the woman, it is not fun. Sure, there are women who claim it is, who say they like being stalked, groped, and forcibly kissed…or more. I think if you took a poll, you would find they are a minority of women. If that’s the sort of interaction they want in the office, then let them put a sign on their desk so men can accommodate them. Of course, that is overlooking the fact that the purpose of the office isn’t fun, and it isn’t sex…it’s business. It’s where you work, not play.

Women who leave their house (which is most women at some point) face a mine field of hands…men’s hands…grabbing, groping, pinching, stroking…and faces…men’s faces…leering, ogling, smirking, smacking lips…and it isn’t ‘just’ anything. Why? Because it isn’t going to be one forcible kiss, one grope, or one grab. It is like running the gauntlet, which was designed as a punishment, not fun (though I suppose it might have been fun for the people meting out the punishment). In the case of women in public, it is more than just that it seems like punishment; it is punishment, punishment for daring to intrude into a man’s world, for daring to be seen looking hot, for daring to be a woman.

Legally, any sexual act without the victim’s consent is sexual assault. You may not like that definition, but that is what it is, and what it should be. It is not a war on fun; there are a lot of ways to have fun that don’t involve terrorizing or humiliating women. It is not a war on men; you are still allowed to perform all your normal daily routines, you just need to do them without putting your hands where they should not be.

Next time you are tempted to engage in a little bit of ‘fun’, or you are defending another man who is just ‘having fun’, ask yourself this. Would I do this action with a male colleague? In every case I’ve mentioned, the answer is no…you aren’t likely to grab Joe and kiss him, or put your hands on Mike’s leg during a meeting. You aren’t likely to pinch Steve in the elevator, or pat Jim’s butt while he leans over the copy machine. These are nor normal business interactions; even when you get drunk at the office party (or at a private party), you still have consequences if you behave in such a boorish way (unless, of course, your name is Brett Kavanaugh…and we could all name numerous other exceptions).

The exceptions I mentioned are the problem, too. In reality, there are more exceptions than there are consequences. Men will commit sexual assault without being challenged for a long time, because the power structure, whether family, business, school, or church, is set up to punish the woman who calls out such behavior. When they encounter a woman who is willing to take the heat and fight back, they are stunned. “I kissed every other woman in this place without asking, and they didn’t charge me with sexual assault!” Dude, they were afraid to.

The enforcement of laws around sexual assault are not a war on fun, they are a correction of millennia of mistreatment of women. For many men, they may seem intrusive or excessive; for women, they are necessary for us to function properly in the world. Yes, it may gall you to have to work with women…or for women…but so what? That’s your problem, not hers.